Autumn Musings

The Golden Rule is perhaps the finest “day-to-day” philosophy for successful living known to us. 

There is a huge difference between living “don’t do to others what is hateful to you” and “do unto others what you would have them do unto you.”  In the former (and older) “I disagree with you!  I want to punch you in the nose!  But I won’t, because I don’t want you to punch me.”  What’s the deal?  A focus on the other person and what he/she is doing that offends the observer.  The emphasis is on the action – punch the nose!  That’s where the emotion lies. 

Contrast with the latter (Jesus version) “I treat you with love and respect as this is how I wish to be treated.”  Focus in on the individual not the other/outer person/situation.  Action?  I think and act as I wish to be, and allow you to do the same (uh, “art of allowing?” anyone?)  Person acts, rather than re-acts to what is observed in others.  Huge, huge difference.  And, not everyone gets it.

***

I had one of those "back to basics" moments the other day while strolling around the neighborhood.  The pavement, the trash containers, the street light poles, the automobiles, the roofs, the doors, the door knobs, the sidewalks...everything comes from Earth.  The tires on the car.  The radio.  My smart phone.  Plastic.  Beer.  Steel.  Paper.  Cloth.  Our wonderful standard of living is provided.  All that was necessary was to learn how to use it.

Learn.  What is that?  To be conscious. 

***

  

Allowing Toleration

To tolerate, or not to tolerate, that is the question.

Well, yes it is a question.  To tolerate means, in this sense, to endure and put up with someone/something (unhappily.)  In effect, “I don’t like (it, you, them, etc., ) but I won’t (can’t) waste anymore of my time fussing with (it, you, them, etc., )  Toleration is a quantum improvement over attacking, fighting, resisting, against anything that displeases you, or is not aligned with your usual way of thinking (a.k.a. belief.)

It’s axiomatic that anything someone wants and does is rooted in an expectation that he/she will feel better for having it.  There’s nothing complicated about this.  How often have you had the thought “I’d be better off if only (it, you, them, etc.) would ________ (fill in the blank.)  There’s a contradiction at play that cancels the desired good feeling – the focus on the mischief/mis-deed/whatever about (it, you, them, etc.,).  Just as two physical objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time, it’s not possible for a good feeling and a negative (bad) feeling to occupy the same attention at the same time.  Thus the problem with toleration.

Toleration is a good thing.  It beats the heck out of a never-ending struggle and resentment towards (it, you, them, etc.,).  Toleration creates literal time and energy for the pursuit of happiness.  Think about it.  For this reason, tolerance is considered a virtue, and it is, compared to ardent struggle.  Becoming more tolerant results in greater physical relief, not to mention emotional and mental benefits.  Note:  Many people have a belief system that uses the word “forgiveness” in a similar vein as tolerance.  Forgiveness works wonders provided it’s understood to benefit the forgiver and not something for (it, you, them, etc.,).  Forgiveness, and tolerance, are often considered “letting (it, you, them, etc.,) get off of the hook, or getting away with something.  Not at all.  It’s a shift from giving attention to something disturbing to something preferred or desired.  That shift in itself is quantum.  It gets better.

There is a strata of perspective a notch above toleration.  It’s called Allowing.  Someone eaten up with resentment may, in a moment of frustration, comprehend the concept of toleration or forgiveness.  It’s unlikely, however, they could grasp a concept of allowing at that moment.  Someone who has developed the ability to tolerate (it, you, them, etc., ) may be able to catch a glimpse of allowing.

The difference between the two is subtle yet vast.  Very similar to the subtle yet vast difference between a thought of that which is hateful to yourself do not unto another and do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Toleration carries with it the idea, the memory, the picture of whatever it is about (it, you, them, etc., ) that offends/angers you.  Allowing is free of that burden and (it, you, them, etc., ) are allowed to be what/who they are – sans judgment.

It’s the without judgment part that blocks access to this level of thought for many people.  Allowing and judging cannot occupy the same mind at the same time.  To judge is to seek and find fault, however defined.  The solution is for the judged to correct the “fault.”  For instance, in New York city there was a ruckus over newborns having formula for food.  Who decides if a newborn is breast or bottle fed?  In this spat the judgment is from the state (city government) to force the mothers to breast feed by making formula very difficult to access in a city hospital.  Is this justice?  It is judgment.

So, the value of any judgment is relative to who/what is judging and who/what is judged.  Floating just above that clamor is the old adage live and let live, which is an application of Allowing.

The subtle difference between tolerance and allowing is very similar to the distinction between being grateful for something and appreciating something.

The bottom line is that many people deprive themselves of joy simply by the manner of their thinking. 

A Change of Attitude That Went Bump in the Night

Folks familiar with this blog understand its purpose to promote thought awareness and the ability to change a manner of thinking, such as practicing to be Complaint Free.  A recurring theme is forgiveness, releasing anger and resentment for your benefit.  (No it's not letting the S.O.B. "off the hook!")  From time to time I come upon a true story where a change of mind, attitude, proves beneficial.  Here it is.

“I don’t recall hearing the lock click,” recalled Jennifer, probing into the previous evening.  This morning, stepping outside to the driveway to take her daughter to school and herself to work, she was puzzled by the sight of two strange bicycles on the ground.  Where her Chevy Traverse should be.  But it wasn’t.  The sinking feeling in her stomach was more than matched by the anger of the realization, my car’s been stolen!  Inside the unlocked car was a spare car key.

It was a rude awakening, for sure, but one that led to a surprising ending.  At least for Jennifer.

The theft was reported to the police and OnStar notified which then stopped the Traverse.  As the car came to a halt a police cruiser pulled up behind.  The cruiser’s video camera would later show four young men bailing out of the car and running off.  Only the driver was apprehended.  In the mean time Jennifer had all of the locks to their house changed since there might have been a spare house key in the car.

Jennifer got the call that her car had been recovered, perhaps just barely.  It would take nearly $5,000 worth of body work to repair the multiple dents, scrapes, and gashing.  All the contents of the car were taken including her daughter’s computer.  In all, another $1,500.  Most disturbing was the can of gasoline in the back of the car.  It was likely that after the “joy ride” the perpetrators were planning to burn the vehicle.

Charged with the theft was the fifteen years old driver.  The Juvenile authorities were taking this case to trial.  This was unnerving for Jennifer – she would have to be in court.  And, a few months later, she received a subpoena to do just that.

Looking around the courtroom that day, she noticed a woman, probably the driver’s mother and a few other people.  Then a teenaged girl entered the courtroom in an orange jumpsuit and handcuffs.  She was alone in the courtroom, no family, no one.  Jennifer felt for her.  Then the Judge ordered everyone not associated with her case to exit.

Back in the courtroom, the Judge asked Jennifer if she had given the teenager permission to drive her car.  No.

Months later, Jennifer was present at a probation hearing for the driver.  He would have to come up with $400 to reimburse Jennifer for his “share” of the loss.  The mother approached Jennifer, “I’m sorry for what my son did.”  Jennifer glared at the driver.  He sheepishly stepped towards her, “I’m sorry for what I did.”

Once outside of the courtroom, in a move that surprised her, the driver stepped towards her with open arms.  Jennifer stepped to the teen and hugged him, saying, “Stay out of trouble.”  His mother look astonished, as did a deputy.  Walking beside Jennifer as she left the courthouse, the deputy noted “That’s never happened before.” 

“I hope it helps him,” she answered.

The car was repaired and the gasoline smell finally removed and Jennifer and her family continued their usual life.  Later she received a letter from the court updating her on the driver’s effort to raise the $400. 

“If he manages to pay me the $400, I’ll donate it to a charity that helps kids like him,” she told her daughter.  The daughter was a bit taken with that approach, not finding in it a semblance of anger.  The daughter was still angry – that was her computer!

“It happened,” Jennifer explained.  “Being angry wouldn’t change the outcome and it would keep interfere with my resuming life.  I’m forgiving him for my sake.  If it helps him, then wonderful.” 

It’s the little things, she later thought, that do add up and affect people.

Embracing the driver was an unexpected act of kindness and concern.  And, quite possibly the only time the teen had ever received a hug.  Regardless, because of that thought that went bump in the night, Jennifer did not permit anger and resentment to consume her.

Forgiveness – it’s not for the S.O.B., it’s for you.

DUH! The Factor.

As the day progressed I realized that the more I thought about “it” the angrier I felt.  The transgression by a family member was irritating and somewhat irksome, yet the more I “thought” about the situation, the stronger I felt about it.  About that time the “Duh!” factor came forth to reveal the formula for creating emotional mountains out of mole hills.

The Duh Factor is that moment when we can see the forest and the trees; that happy moment when mentally we gain a splash of perspective on what we’ve been doing and how it directly affects what we experience.  “The more I thought about it (the initial offense) the angrier I felt (really, really pissed after tossing all night!)”  Duh.

Why not spend the same amount of mental energy (and burned calories) thinking about something good or desired rather than on something negative or unwanted?  Duh illuminates self-evident truths:  The more one thinks about something, the greater the emotional response to the thought.  Thinking, once again, is the important activity.

The Duh! Factor at work

“So what are you saying, George?  That if I think goody Pollyanna thoughts my life will be a bed of roses, red wine, dark chocolate, hot rolls and butter?”  If you like roses, red wine, dark chocolate, hot rolls and butter you’re more likely to experience them if you think about them rather than thinking about that foul tempered so-and-so who you know is plotting against you.

American mystic and philosopher Charles Fillmore once wrote that thoughts held in mind produce after their own kind.  The more I thought about it, the angrier I felt.  Well, I have proved that.  It is true, simple, self-evident and undeniable.  Duh.  

The tricky part is becoming more aware of how I am thinking and to consciously choose the activity of my mind.  I might want to fuss and fight, and thus so think.  But if that’s not how I really want to spend my time, then I am free to think according to what I want.  I know, having demonstrated, that the more I think about something, the stronger  the associated feeling.

SON OF A @#$@!!!

Cut to the chase:  Forgiveness is for your benefit, not the S.O.B.

Now why is that?

Granted, if you have done something to someone that you later wish you hadn't, and the someone tells you not to worry, it's done with, etc., you (in the role of the S.O.B.) do feel better.  The act of their forgiveness removes your feeling of guilt.  This equation requires that you (in the role of S.O.B to the other person) recognize that you acted in a way contrary to your true self and you wish to make amends, undo the damage, etc., fix it!  The other person may or may not bestow 'forgiveness' but the sheer willingness to make amends results in relief for you.  Okay, got that.  Now to the main point.

"To err is human, to forgive divine."  Thus said poet Alexander Pope.  There are many ways to interpret this truism, all correct.  And, like a parable, reveal different levels of understanding.  Pope implies that forgiveness - releasing obligations from another - is close to the nature of the Divine.  Errors - thoughts and behaviors that result in harm or negativity - are human, that is, separate from the Divine.  (The capitalized Divine is a placeholder for whatever description you have of First Cause, Source Energy, God, Creator...)

Many people have difficulty with forgiveness.  They believe that to "forgive" someone is to "let the scoundrel get away with it!"  Thus leading to conditional forgiveness - when you do this/that, then I'll let your off the hook!  That's a recipe for continued misery, until the person becomes so miserable (a.k.a. hit the bottom) that he or she literally gives up (trying to make the other person behave or change) and thus finally allows a change in thinking.

That's why forgiveness brings relief - it changes the focus of your attention away from the S.O.B. and whatever that was about, to something else.  The more you think about, give attention to, lie awake at night reviewing mental scripts, and such about the offending situation and S.O.B, the more similar feelings you'll attract.  The Law of Attraction never ceases and is always in play with unerring neutrality.  Whatever you think about you attract/experience more of the same.  That's just the way it works.  Like gravity, you can work with it or not.  It's still there, doing its thing.

It seems that the fear that the S.O.B. will "get away with it" is the issue.  Somehow, we think that we must feel anger towards the S.O.B. and curse him or her for their dastardly actions.  Does the S.O.B. care?  Does the S.O.B. give a rat's ass that you're angry or upset with him/her?  No.  And that can make you even more angry!  Angry feelings produce more angry situations.  Now, if you truly enjoy feeling angry and devoting your mental energy to another, then you're certainly free to do that.  Law of Attraction will assist you.

I think that most people would rather feel good than feel bad.  I mean, why do anything unless the result, or expected result, is a good feeling?  Therefore, when holding a resentment or angry feeling towards someone, there is some kind of expectation that there will be a "good" feeling as a result.  "Yes, George," you say.  "I'll feel great when that son-of-a-bitch gets what's coming to him!"  How long will that take?  Do you have the power to give the get?  How are you feeling in the mean time?  Remember, this is about YOU, not the S.O.B.!

The Law of Attraction insures that the S.O.B. will experience what he/she gives attention too.  You don't have to worry about that.  In fact, you don't have to worry at all.  If you do, it's because you want to.  And if you want to, then you're enthralled by the S.O.B. and not acting in your interest.  (You know that many S.O.B.'s love owning your attention!  Makes them feel powerful.)

In a sense, you mortgage your happiness to whatever the S.O.B. does.  That's an arrangement that doesn't favor you!   Every day your target your resentment, anger, etc., the more equity in the mortgage.  Oh, by the way, the equity goes to the S.O.B.  Forgiveness is your way out of this bad deal.

Forgiveness is to THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.  You cannot become free of someone if you keep them in mind.  "I forgive you, you miserable piece of humanity."  Those are words, not intentions.  You do not have to, and really can't, think about the injury, injustice, etc., in the desire to forgive.  If you forgive, you forgive.  Which means that you give yourself permission to think and give attention to something you feel good about (or certainly feel better about.)  Do that for a bit and it becomes easier.  Keep it up and you won't even notice that you no longer dwell on the rascal or miscreant.  You're living your life, for your health and wellbeing now.

And, you can always use the magic word.

Allowing Toleration

To tolerate, or not to tolerate, that is the question.

Well, yes it is a question.  To tolerate means, in this sense, to endure and put up with someone/something (unhappily.)  In effect, “I don’t like (it, you, them, etc., ) but I won’t (can’t) waste anymore of my time fussing with (it, you, them, etc., )  Toleration is a quantum improvement over attacking, fighting, resisting, against anything that displeases you, or is not aligned with your usual way of thinking (a.k.a. belief.)

It’s axiomatic that anything someone wants and does is rooted in an expectation that he/she will feel better for having it.  There’s nothing complicated about this.  How often have you had the thought “I’d be better off if only (it, you, them, etc.) would ________ (fill in the blank.)  There’s a contradiction at play that cancels the desired good feeling – the focus on the mischief/mis-deed/whatever about (it, you, them, etc.,).  Just as two physical objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time, it’s not possible for a good feeling and a negative (bad) feeling to occupy the same attention at the same time.  Thus the problem with toleration.

Subtle differences

Toleration is a good thing.  It beats the heck out of a never-ending struggle and resentment towards (it, you, them, etc.,).  Toleration creates literal time and energy for the pursuit of happiness.  Think about it.  For this reason, tolerance is considered a virtue, and it is, compared to ardent struggle.  Becoming more tolerant results in greater physical relief, not to mention emotional and mental benefits.  Note:  Many people have a belief system that uses the word “forgiveness” in a similar vein as tolerance.  Forgiveness works wonders provided it’s understood to benefit the forgiver and not something for (it, you, them, etc.,).  Forgiveness, and tolerance, are often considered “letting (it, you, them, etc.,) get off of the hook, or getting away with something.  Not at all.  It’s a shift from giving attention to something disturbing to something preferred or desired.  That shift in itself is quantum.  It gets better.

There is a strata of perspective a notch above toleration.  It’s called Allowing.  Someone eaten up with resentment may, in a moment of frustration, comprehend the concept of toleration or forgiveness.  It’s unlikely, however, they could grasp a concept of allowing at that moment.  Someone who has developed the ability to tolerate (it, you, them, etc., ) may be able to catch a glimpse of allowing.

The difference between the two is subtle yet vast.  Very similar to the subtle yet vast difference between a thought of that which is hateful to yourself do not unto another and do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Toleration carries with it the idea, the memory, the picture of whatever it is about (it, you, them, etc., ) that offends/angers you.  Allowing is free of that burden and (it, you, them, etc., ) are allowed to be what/who they are – sans judgment.

It’s the without judgment part that blocks access to this level of thought for many people.  Allowing and judging cannot occupy the same mind at the same time.  To judge is to seek and find fault, however defined.  The solution is for the judged to correct the “fault.”  For instance, in New York city there’s a ruckus over newborns having formula for food.  Who decides if a newborn is breast fed or bottle?  In this spat the judgment is from the state (city government) to force the mothers to breast feed by making formula very difficult to access in a city hospital.  Is this justice?  It is judgment.

So, the value of any judgment is relative to who/what is judging and who/what is judged.  Floating just above that clamor is the old adage live and let live, which is an application of Allowing.

The subtle difference between tolerance and allowing is very similar to the distinction between being grateful for something and appreciating something.

The bottom line is that too many people deprive themselves of joy simply by the manner of their thinking.